Halo,
Jam 3 pagi dan saya gak bisa tidur. Something woke me up and I just could not get back to sleep. He woke up too because of me, not that he cared and went back to sleep but yeah. I decided to go to the living room and used the computer here. I meant to work on my imaging data but I couldn’t even bring myself to start.

Saya putuskan untuk membuat blog ini. Yes, it’s a random 3 in the AM impulse, I know. But oh well!

Salam kenal semua. How are you all doing on this fine but rather chilly Saturday morning?

Di sini sekarang sudah musim gugur, hampir setiap hari hujan. Honestly, I have been lowkey liking it, it matches my mood, always gloomy. Well except the fact that it always make me wants to go back to sleep whenever I have to get up early to go to work. How ironic I know, I just told you that I could not sleep tonight.

Anyways,
I miss home. But not in that sense that I want to be there physically or anything like that. It’s hard for me to describe, but how do I put this, saya kangen ibu, kangen denger suara adzan subuh, kangen rumah, kangen ayah.

Life has been so very hard here, sadly. It’s been almost two years. I met someone, I love him very much but I still feel empty inside. Banyak hal yang buat saya merasa kecewa dengan kondisi saya saat ini, I feel so stressed and unmotivated. Career wise, I feel like I’m so lost and my health is deteriorating. I’m sick, physically and perhaps mentally too. It’s very hard for me to admit sometimes, but I feel like I just want to give up. Saya takut saya bakal ngecewain semua orang disekitar saya, but I’m just really done with everything right now.

Saya bakal pindah apartement hari minggu ini, banyak banget yang mesti di-pack. Well, technically I’m packed but he is compelety not, and my OCD self can’t even stand how messy he’s going to do stuff if I’m not going to help. But I have deadlines for Monday, banyak yang mesti di submit.

Very dreading next week already, I’m so tired having this feeling almost every day now. I sometimes think, perhaps this is not the kind of life I want, but I’m this far in this path already, that if I turned, I would be probably too late already. They say there’s no such a thing as too late, but also you only have one life. What if you die tomorrow?

Well, yeah I know then turn now you might say.

Easier said that done darling, easier said than done.

This is rather grim.

I better go.

I think I’m going to keep you to keep me sane. I know I know, I have so many yous before and they all ended up being expunged. Was thinking to do the same for this one that I have, but I decided to keep it private. For now.

Until then, take care of yourself and be well.